The Trick is to Keep Breathing
by Straight As A Candycane
Summary: Trigger warning for suicide attempt. Remus Lupin gets low sometimes, what happens when he gets lower than ever?


Sometimes things just get too rough on an individual. Sometimes they cannot deal with the things that life has handed them, because life is a cruel mistress who favors no one. Sometimes when that happens, people feel as if they only have one way out. Sometimes people feel the need to take their own life to end the pain. Remus Lupin was one of those people.

The crescent moon was just starting to rise in the distance as Remus Lupin carefully made his way across the Hogwarts grounds towards the lake. He'd been thinking for weeks that the lake would be the perfect place to do it, and to do it under the moonlight would just be so beautifully ironic, he thought.

As Remus approached the lake, he took a nervous look over his shoulder, worried that he was being followed or that someone would have found out what he was planning. But he was relieved to see that the Hogwarts grounds were still completely empty. As Remus sat down at the edge of the lake, his back against a tree, he took a moment to glance up at the sky to watch the stars and moon rise. It was a cool October night, no wind and not a cloud in the sky, and Remus figured that it was around eight thirty.

After sitting in silence and just taking in the night air for a few moments, Remus let out a sigh and decided that he needed to hurry and get things over with. He pulled his schoolbag onto his lap, opening it and starting to pull things out one by one and setting them in the grass nearby. He couldn't help but smirk slightly as he pulled out a couple of his school books. _Won't be needing these any more, will I? _he thought bitterly and tossed them aside.

Finally, Remus found what he was looking for. He pulled a medium-sized vial off what looked like a smooth, green liquid out of the bag. Remus held the glass vial gently in his hands before tossing his bag aside without a second though. He couldn't help but notice that his hand was starting to shake and he couldn't help but smile slightly. _I've been planning this so carefully for weeks and I'm still nervous? Pathetic, _he thought bitterly, turning the vial of poison over in his hands a few times.

As the moon reached its peak in the sky, Remus let out a slight sigh and pulled the stopper out of the vial. "Well, its now or never," he muttered. He took one last look at the lake and the moon reflected on its surface and whispered, "I suppose there's no better place to die."

After taking one last deep breath, Remus Lupin threw his head back and quickly downed all of the poison in the vial. When he had swallowed the poison, he tossed the vial aside, closed his eyes and lowered his head. It took a few moments for the poison to truly kick in, but when it did, Remus doubled over in pain and he curled up in a ball on the cool fall grass, moaning and whining in pain. He hadn't quite realized just how painful suicide by poison could be. Of course, that's what he got for looking for simplest, most effect poison in any and all books he could find on the subject in the library. As darkness finally started to overtake him, Remus didn't notice the figure that was running toward him in the dark, yelling his name.

~~~

Two days later, Remus finally awoke in the hospital wing in Hogwarts. He opened his eyes slowly, and his head started pounding immediately and he winced. _What happened? _He wondered as he managed to open his eyes again, putting a hand to his head as he tried to get used to the throbbing pain. His limbs were heavy and his throat was dry and sore. Remus looked around at his surroundings slowly. He saw that the sun was starting to come in through the windows and birds that were chirping away in the distance were the only things that broke the early morning silence.

Finally, Remus looked to his other side and he was fairly surprised when he noticed the figure that was in the chair next to his bed. Sound asleep, Sirius Black sat in the chair, his legs pulled up onto it, and his head resting on its back. "Sirius," Remus whispered, frowning as he realized that this is what he had been afraid of. He had not been afraid of dying, or of taking his own life, he had been afraid of surviving the attempt. Afraid of someone finding him before he was completely gone. But most of all, he was afraid of how his friends would react.

While Remus watched Sirius sleeping in silence, he didn't notice Madam Pomfrey as she walked up next to the bed. "Finally awake, then?" she said, startling Remus and making him jump slightly as he turned to look at her.

"What happened? How long have I been out?" Remus finally managed to ask, forcing himself to not look over at Sirius again.

"You've been asleep for two days," Madam Pomfrey said simply. "As for what happened, I think you know that story well enough. Your friend there," she motioned to Sirius, "Well, he told me about the note you left and everything that happened the other night." Remus felt the knot in his stomach tighten and he tried to respond, but his voice caught in his throat. "I told the Headmaster, of course, and he'll want to talk to you now that you've regained consciousness."

"Of course," Remus muttered, his heart starting to race as he turned his gaze to the blanket that covered him. This was what he had been afraid of.

"I'll let Professor Dumbledore know that you're awake in a couple of hours. Its still early in the morning and I would hazard a guess that most of the school is still asleep," she said simply, watching Remus closely as he glanced up at her before turning his gaze to Sirius again. As if reading his mind, Madam Pomfrey said, "He's barely left the hospital wing since you came in." Remus looked back at her and she continued, "Your other friends have had to drag him out of here for classes, and he sneaks back in at night and falls asleep in that chair." Everything was silent for a moment as he looked at Sirius again. Madam Pomfrey finally cleared her throat and said, "I'll give you a couple more hours to rest and relax."

With that, Madam Pomfrey turned on her heels and walked away, leaving Remus in silence with the still-sleeping Sirius. _What happens now?_ Remus wondered, clenching his fist tightly, staring straight ahead as he tried to calm himself down.

A few minutes later, Remus heard some shuffling noises next to him and he glanced over to see that Sirius had woken up and was now moving around in the chair to get comfortable. Sirius closed his eyes again as he stretched himself out across the chair before finally turning and looking at Remus. As he realized that the other boy was finally awake, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped open slightly. The silence and tension in the air finally became too much for Remus. "Good morning," he managed to say, his voice cracking slightly. He bit his lip to hold back tears, cursing himself for being emotional.

Sirius sat in silence for a few more moments before quickly standing up and wrapping his arms around Remus in a tight hug. "Oh god, I'm so glad you're okay. I was so worried and I'm just glad that you're okay," he started to ramble while Remus sat completely still, somewhat dumbfounded.

"I've never seen you like this, Padfoot," Remus finally managed to whisper when Sirius stopped rambling. After he spoke, Sirius finally released his grip and pulled back from the hug. Remus was surprised to see that Sirius had started crying, and was now trying to quickly wipe away the tears. "Sirius..." he whispered.

There was a slight pause as Sirius tried to collect himself before he said, "Its just...you really scared me, Remus."

"I'm sorry, Sirius," he replied, swallowing the lump in his throat and turned away as a feeling of guilty rushed over him. "How did you find me thought?" he finally questioned.

"Quidditch practice ended early. James got in an argument with someone and headed off to the library with Peter. I was going to join them, but I noticed you weren't in the stands and something just didn't feel right... Sirius began before pausing momentarily and turning his gaze to the floor. At his silence, Remus finally turned to look at him again, waiting quietly until he finally continued, "Well, I got back and saw your note and I just...panicked. I was terrified of losing you." At this sentence, Sirius finally looked at Remus again, meeting his eyes in silence. "I could only think of one place where you would try to...well..." Sirius hesitated, unable to actually say the words and fell silent once more.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius," Remus repeated quietly. "I feel so...selfish. It wasn't my plan to hurt you like this...I swear," he said, looking Sirius firmly in the eyes.

"I know you didn't, but..." Sirius hesitated, not entirely sure what he wanted to say. Finally, Sirius simply asked, "Why?"

Remus couldn't say that he wasn't expecting the question. He was only surprised that it hadn't come sooner and he let out a sigh. "I don't know...it just felt like that was the only thing I could do, honestly." Before Sirius could ask another question, Remus added, "After a while, it just becomes too much."

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, Sirius asked, "What did?"

"Life," was the simple answer, but the word alone and the way it was said was enough to send chills down Sirius's spine.

"I'm so sorry, Moony...I didn't realize that you felt that way," Sirius said finally.

"No one did, Sirius. I made sure to hide it. I felt guilty about my emotions and I don't know what's wrong with me!" Remus said quickly, his voice starting to raise. Sirius hesitated for a few minutes before wrapping his arms around Remus gently.

"There is nothing wrong with you," Sirius said softly, still holding him close. Remus swallowed quickly and opened his mouth to protest the statement. He wanted to say he had just tried to kill himself, that he turned into a violent monster once a month, how he never felt at home anyways, and worst of all how he had been lying to Sirius for so long. But as he felt Sirius embracing him, all these thoughts left his mind and all he could do was rest his head on Sirius's chest and start to sob.

When Sirius heard him starting to sob he pulled him tighter into the embrace, whispering, "Everything will be okay." Remus found himself clinging to Sirius's shirt, wanting to be able to just wipe away his tears and pretend to be strong like he had done in the past, but his mind told him that if he continued like that, he would end up in the same bed as he was currently sitting in. As Sirius embraced him, Remus realized that he didn't want to die. He wanted to be happy, like he had been in the past. The longer he was in the embrace, Remus realized how safe he felt in his arms and how they felt like home to him.

Sirius rubbed Remus's back gently as he tried to calm him down. After ten minutes of crying, Remus's tears started to slow until he finally stopped crying, shaking in Sirius's embrace. Sirius held Remus close still, whispering softly in his ear to keep him calm.

They sat like this for a few minutes longer until they heard Madam Pomfrey clear her throat from behind them. Remus refused to look up, only clinging to Sirius tighter. Sirius looked up instead, a questioning look on his face. "The Headmaster needs to speak to young Mr. Lupin alone now," she said simply.

Remus clung to Sirius, who slowly pulled out of his embrace. "Will you be alright?" Sirius asked softly. Remus nodded slightly and Sirius stood up. He grinned widely and ruffled Remus's hair gently to make him smile. "You'll be alright. I'll come back later with James and Peter, alright?" Remus nodded slightly and Sirius hesitated for a moment before leaning over and placing a soft kiss on Remus's lips. While Remus was still shocked from the kiss, Sirius moved to whisper in his ear, "Everything will be alright. I'm here for you."

Remus managed a soft smile at Sirius, who grinned back before stuffing his hands in his pockets and walking past Madam Pomfrey and the Headmaster and out of the hospital wing. Remus sat in silence as the Headmaster walked up to him and started talking, but Remus was only half-listening. He was still thinking of Sirius and of the kiss. The more he thought about it, the more Remus thought he could make it through, at least with a little help from his friends.


End file.
